Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The Urinal Exposes the Tactics of a Nanny State

The Urinal editorial board has exposed the tactics that it hopes to employ in order to dominate our everyday choices.

From a practical standpoint, that's the problem. Davis has the right idea, but he's trying to do too much too fast, especially when it comes to banning smoking in taverns in a city in which neighborhood bars have long been a part of the social fabric.

A more incremental approach, banning smoking in restaurants to begin with and later expanding it to other public places, such as bars, would give Milwaukee bar owners and those who smoke more time to adjust to a total ban.

More important, it would also have a far better chance of being approved.

What is the next step after banning smoking in public? Banning smoking around family? Outlawing smoking? Incrementalism is the key. They accepted banning smoking in bars? shit, lets expand it. They accepted banning smoking in all public places? Shit, lets keep pushing...

Then what, once smoking is abolished, what is next? Cheeseburgers? After all, we allowed them to dictate our personal choices on "health reasons" in regards to smoking. Overindulgence in cheeseburgers can be bad. Are we going to give vouchers for burger purchases, so we can regulate how many a person can eat in a week? How about some sort of bracelet that tracks calories so the government can stop us from overeating?

Based on the health of not just yourself, but of others around you, I think it is imperative we next ban cell phone use in public. After all, there are one or two studies that show cell phones cause cancer. Is it possible they cause second-hand cancer by walking near a cell phone user? I don't know, but I'm sure Rob Reiner can pay a scientist to whip up a "study" proving it.

As a matter of fact, we should all be assigned out own personal watchdog, paid for by the state of course, to make sure that we aren't doing anything to endanger ourselves or those around us.

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the world of the future. The only things you may ingest are dry salad and filtered water. Driving and bike riding are illegal, as is walking without the proper body armor. We will all ride ultra armored public transportation to and from low-stress, government approved jobs. A permission slip from the State is required for sexual intercourse, and is only approved for reasons of reproduction, which labs hope to eliminate the need for altogether soon. We will sleep strapped to our beds in padded rooms surrounded by rounded and padded furniture so as to not stub a toe or bang a shin. Glass, stoves, microwaves, and knives have been outlawed.

Enjoy your day, but not too much since it might lead to adrenaline, which can lead to stress, which may lead to heart failure.

We won't live longer, we won't be happy, but shit, at least the overprotective asshole left-coasters won't have anything left to bitch about.